


Stay With Me

by i_heart_danchou



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-27
Updated: 2019-06-27
Packaged: 2020-05-20 15:20:17
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,616
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19379383
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/i_heart_danchou/pseuds/i_heart_danchou
Summary: “I said give me your gas!”  Levi practically threw the syringe at Eren, not wanting to waste one more damn second.  He replenished his fuel supply and strapped Erwin to his back.A hospital.  A hospital.  They had to fucking get to a hospital.





	Stay With Me

**Author's Note:**

> This is for bottom Erwin week prompt Freeform but I guess it could also be for Bathing so yay I sort of technically did all of them, cool. This is a canon rewrite, and I put some of my medical knowhow into play for this one (I actually did surgery on a cat with injuries similar to Erwin’s XD, he’s fine). 
> 
> Also I quite liked this idea so if anyone’s interested I might keep going with it.

“Captain Levi!”  Floch was panting, sweating, his muscles were quivering as he pulled himself up onto the roof with Erwin strapped to his back.  “The commander— he— he’s critically wounded!  His side’s been hit, his organs are coming out, I can’t stop the bleeding I… I thought… I thought maybe that injection you had could help.”  
  
Levi’s eyes were wide, his mouth ajar, his heart thundering away in his chest.  Time seemed to slow for a moment, and he clutched the syringe to his chest.  He imagined a future with Erwin as a titan, the colossal titan at that… a monster, a villain, a human being so unbelievably dangerous that no one would dare get close to him.  He imagined the light in Erwin’s eyes getting dimmer and dimmer, the more of himself that he sacrificed to humanity.    
  
No.  The choice was obvious.    
  
“Eren.”  He muttered.  “Give me your gas, all of it.”   
  
Eren was crying, obviously very confused.  “Captain?”  
  
“I said give me your gas!”  Levi practically threw the syringe at him, not wanting to waste one more damn second.  He replenished his fuel supply and strapped Erwin to his back.    
  
A hospital.  A hospital.  They had to fucking get to a hospital.    
  


He didn’t care about Bertholt, or Armin or whatever fucking drama was going on in Shiganshina, he had to help Erwin, he didn’t have any fucking time.

Obviously carrying 92 kilograms of dead weight made the gas canisters tremendously less efficient, but Levi couldn’t think about that.  

 _Come on… come on…._ “Stay with me, Erwin.  I’m getting you help, I’m going to get you better.”

Erwin groaned in pain, or maybe in delirium, and his head flopped forward onto Levi’s shoulder.  

“I’ve got you.”  Levi whispered.  “I’m gonna get you home.”  

He found a horse just at the entrance of Wall Maria— a runaway, perhaps?  There had been so much chaos, he wasn’t surprised that they hadn’t managed to keep all the animals together.  Thank fuck, thank fuck.  There weren’t enough trees between here and Wall Rose to get him home, he’d need this fucking horse— Erwin needed this fucking horse.  

He mounted the beast, secured his commander, and galloped as hard as he could.  “Stay with me, Erwin.  Look at that beautiful sky.”  Levi had never known fear like this.  Every second he wasted Erwin’s pulse was getting weaker, and it made him sick to see the commander’s blood seeping down the horse’s side.  

“Stay with me.”  

**

They charged to the wall and Levi sent up a signal flare a good 500 meters before he arrived.  The gate needed to be open, he didn’t fucking have time for this.  “Commander Erwin is wounded!  I need help!”  He called out, and he watched as the garrison scrambled to let him back into the walls.  Eyes went wide when they saw the state of the commander, and a group of medics descended to help.

Levi was loath to let Erwin go, even into the hands of qualified professionals who would try their best to help him.  He followed, he followed, and he ordered them to be careful.  “Please.”  He whispered as the doors of the operating theater swung shut.  “Please help him.”

Hours passed.  Levi sat with his head in his hands, titan blood all but evaporated off of him, Erwin’s blood caked and dry in his uniform.   _Please._  He was begging the universe.   _Please let him be alright._

A surgeon emerged by nightfall, blood soaked through his sleeves, speckled on his glasses, his hair limp against his forehead with sweat.  “Captain Levi.”  He said somberly.  

Levi stood up, his heart in his throat.  The doctor was hesitating, and Levi felt the acid burning in his mouth.  “Out with it.”  He hissed, his eyes narrow.  

“The commander is… alive.”  

Levi’s lip twitched.  Why was he hesitating?  What was he so afraid of?  

“He suffered extensive damage to his abdominal wall, including full thickness lesions penetrating into his abdominal cavity.  There was damage to his small intestine, portions of his bowel, and one of his kidneys.  We’ve cobbled his intestinal tract together as best as we could, but there was barely enough muscle available to close the abdominal cavity.  We’ve taken a graft from his leg, but it may not survive.  He’s experienced significant hemorrhage and was in severe hypovolemic shock at the time of presentation.  He… may have irreversible brain damage.  He may not know you if he wakes up, and he is likely to be less intelligent than he was before this happened.  If he survives the night, there is an extremely high probability that he will develop septic peritonitis.  If that happens, there is not much else we can do.  His intestinal repairs may also fail, which will only worsen and compound matters.  He may not be able to use the toilet properly anymore. He probably won’t ever walk again.”  The doctor licked his lips.  “If he makes it to the end of the week, he has a fair chance of survival.  Do you have any questions?”

Levi put a hand on the wall to steady himself.  What had he done?  He’d condemned Erwin to a life worse than death… a life without his mind, his mobility, his… his dignity, even.  Why had… what…. He swallowed and pinched the bridge of his nose.  “Can I see him?”

“No.  I’m sorry captain, his infection risk is too high right now and… and you are heavily contaminated from the battle.  I would recommend you go home for some rest.  Things will be more clear in the morning.”

“I’m not leaving him.”  Levi snarled.  “I’m not.”

The doctor was weary.  “Fine.  There are showers that you can use, if you wish.  Ask one of the nurses to assist you.”

**

The tatters of the SC returned in time, to thunderous cheers and celebrations.  Levi wasn’t with them, and he didn’t care to be.  His place was with Erwin, and he would reap whatever horrible consequences resulted from his choice.  If Erwin needed to be cared for forever, if he needed someone to feed him, to bathe him, to wipe his fucking ass he would do it.   All of this was Levi’s fault, and nothing would tell him otherwise.

Hanji joined him at the hospital, a thick white gauze plastered over her eye.  “How is he?”  She asked cautiously.

“Bad.  They think he has brain damage. He’s crippled.  Everything is fucked up.  He’s probably going to die in horrible pain.”

Hanji was quiet.  “Why didn’t you give the injection to Erwin, Levi?  Why did you do this?”

Levi glared at her, his anger easily melting into grief and pain and remorse.  “He didn’t want to be a monster.”  He offered lamely.  “He deserved to see the truth.”  

Hanji put her arm around Levi’s shoulders and hugged him as tight as he’d allow.  “He did.”  She agreed.  “We’ll just have to see what happens.”

**

Erwin didn’t die that night, nor the next morning.  Levi was allowed to sit with him provided he followed the hospital’s sterility protocols, and he sat beside Erwin in a white gown and mask, watching him writhe in agony as his recovery progressed.  

He was pale, clammy, unresponsive, his pupils dilated and his groans heartbreaking.  Even in his delirium there was no respite from his agony, and Levi’s hair was standing on end.  “Can’t you do anything?? Give him something for the pain, at least??”  He demanded, his eyes wild.  

“He’s on the best medication we have.”  The doctor explained.  “We’re trying to control the fever, but this is a natural part of surgical recovery I’m afraid.  I’ve heard he’s quite strong.”

“The strongest.”  Levi assured him, casting a wayward glance at Erwin’s recumbent frame.  “The greatest man I know.”

“Then he will fight, he will endure, and he may survive.”  The doctor patted Levi on the shoulder.  “Support him however you can, captain.”

Levi did everything he could to keep Erwin comfortable.  He fluffed his pillows, he wiped his forehead, he even helped to change his bedpan.  While Erwin fought to stay alive, Levi sat beside him and whispered in his ear.  

“We took back Wall Maria.  Humanity’s first major victory, and of course you led us.  They got to the basement, Erwin.  They found out the truth.  I’ll tell you everything when you wake up.”

About four days in Erwin opened his eyes once more.  Every movement was strained and agonized, but it was obvious he was doing his best to conceal his distress.  He sat up with some difficulty, but he managed.  His eyes scanned the room and he smiled when he saw Levi.  

“Levi..”  He managed.

“Erwin.”  Levi breathed.  He knew him.  Erwin knew who he was.  “Say something smart.”  

Erwin laughed then, only a slight chuckle but it was enough to send him into a spasm of agony, gripping at his side as he doubled over in pain.  

Levi’s eyes widened with alarm, and he rubbed Erwin’s back until he was through the worst of it.  “Fuck, Erwin.  I’m so sorry.  Are you okay?”

Erwin took a few moments to catch his breath.  The pain must have been excruciating, and Levi could see the whites of his eyes.  “Yeah.  I’ll be fine.”  He was visibly shaking by the time he righted himself, his face pale and slicked with sweat as he leaned back in the bed.  “What happened?”

“You got badly wounded by the beast titan.  Floch found you, he brought you to me.  I got you to a hospital.”  

Erwin nodded slowly.  “And… the mission?”

“A success, Erwin.  We did it, we took back wall Maria.  We got to the basement.  It’s all thanks to you.”

Erwin smiled then, and shut his eyes once more.  He was so weak, dammit.  He was so exhausted.  It hurt to see him like this.

**

The doctors kept Levi away for a while then, citing Erwin’s exhaustion and debility.  He needed some rest, and frankly Levi did too.  

He still didn’t want to leave the hospital, but it seemed like Erwin had rounded a corner and hopefully wasn’t in danger of imminent death anymore.  Hanji caught up with him at the barracks, grabbing his elbow as he barged into Erwin’s room.  “How is he?”  She demanded.

“Awake.  He seems all there too.  He’s not recovered yet, obviously, but…” Levi wasn’t a man who allowed himself to be optimistic, but the hope in his heart was creeping in whether he liked it or not.  

“He’s… going to want to be commander again, I presume.”

Levi hadn’t thought of that.  “Probably.  It’s who he is.”

Hanji looked very sad.  “He can’t, Levi.”  She had a copy of Erwin’s medical report in her hand, and Levi wondered if the doctors had dumbed down how bad it was for him.  “He’s going to need help for the rest of his life.  He can’t be an active member of the military.”

Levi’s hackles went up.  “So— so we throw him away?  Because his body can’t keep up anymore?  After all these years, after everything he’s lost, we just— we tell him to fuck off cause he’s wounded?”

“Fuck Levi, no.”  Hanji rubbed at her eyepatch.  “We just have to be realistic.  There’s a whole world out there, wanting to kill us.  We need a commander who can actively attend combat and make choices on the field.  Erwin is brilliant, he’s the best commander we’ve ever had but… Levi… he can’t anymore.  He can’t.”  

Levi’s blood felt cold.  “We need him, Hanji.  Humanity needs him.  You can’t tell him we don’t need him anymore.”  

Hanji put her hands on his shoulders and looked at him.  “Of course we need him.  But we have to be realistic.”  She bit her lip.  “I’ll be commander, and he can be my advisor.  He’ll remain on staff and I’ll be able to provide him with support workers if he needs them.  Do you want me to tell him?”

Levi shook his head.  “No.  He should hear it from me.”  She was right.  Of course she was right.  He had hobbled his commander, and his penance would be eternal.  

**

Erwin took the news better than Levi expected, but then again Erwin was extremely intelligent and he probably shouldn’t have been surprised.  Of course he knew he couldn’t be commander anymore.  Of course he did.

“That’s very generous of Hanji to offer.”  He said eventually, his hand running gingerly up his side.  “I’ll continue to help humanity in any way I can.”  

Erwin was using the formal commander language that Levi hated, but he felt it wasn’t his place to stop him.  Of course Erwin would keep fighting, not allow himself any time to rest.  He deserved a cabin by a lake, he deserved to retire and have a statue made of him in the town square of wall Sina.  But Erwin never stopped, and Erwin never rested.  

Despite his injuries, he kept moving, no matter how hard it was.  Erwin never, ever complained.  Levi was silent as he watched Erwin double over in pain when he ate something too rich for him, and he was silent when Erwin quivered from the exertion of trying to stand to relieve himself.  He offered a shoulder to support him, a hand when he needed it, and he kept his eyes forward.  No matter what else happened, he would preserve this man’s dignity.  

He helped Erwin into a wheelchair and pushed him through the hospital when he was finally discharged.  The sun was warm and soothing, the air was crisp and beautiful, and Erwin smiled as the gentle beams of light hit his skin.  

It was awful to see the top of Erwin’s head like this.  To be so much taller than he was, that Erwin was banished to this chair, unable to push himself forward at all by himself.  He swallowed his distaste.  It was worse for Erwin, and Levi refused to make this about himself.  

During his convalescence, Hanji had made some changes to the barracks to make them a little more accessible for Erwin.  His office had steadying bars screwed into the walls, the desk was adjusted so his chair could fit beneath it, and the bathroom was completely redesigned with his comfort in mind.  His bedroom had been refurnished as well; his bed softer and more comfortable, his sink and shelves shortened, and someone had thought to put a carpet and fresh flowers in too.  It felt homier.  

“Not bad.”  Levi commented, wheeling Erwin through so he could see the four square walls in which he would endure the rest of his life.  “I bet you’ll come up with some great war strategies here.  We’ll really need you from here on out.”

Erwin said nothing and licked his lips.  “Levi— I…”. His nose went a touch pink.  “I’m really sorry but— I need…”

Levi nodded and hooked Erwin’s arm around his shoulder.  He needed the toilet, and he hated to ask for help like this.  “I’ve got you.”  Levi reminded him.  “You’d do the same for me.”  He helped keep Erwin steady, he helped him open his trousers, he looked away from his cock while he pissed.  

The relief on Erwin’s face was endearing, actually, and he sat back into his chair with a pleasant sigh.  “Thank you, Levi.”

Erwin was at rock fucking bottom, and it made Levi feel sick.

Levi nodded at him and wheeled him to his desk.  ‘Do you hate me?’  He wondered, ‘for what I did to you?’   “I got Eren’s father’s books for you.  Three volumes of answers for you— about beyond the walls, about the fate of humanity, about everything. You were right, Erwin.  You were right.”  

Erwin smiled and passed his hand along the spine of the tomes, he seemed… content, at least.  Levi didn’t realize he’d been holding his breath as he watched Erwin begin to read.  This was Erwin’s dream, his everything… he wasn’t sure what he would have to live for when he finished reading those books.  So he distracted himself, he made them both some tea and set the cup down beside his command— his advisor.  

He was quiet and respectful while he watched Erwin devour the information, and he wasn’t sure why he was so nervous.  

“A whole world of humans.”  He said thoughtfully.  “A whole world of different places and cultures… kept beyond our reach because of a curse in our blood.  Titans come from our people, from across the sea, and are used to keep us within these walls.  Fascinating.”  

Levi was glad, Erwin seemed… happy, kind of, with the information.  “A whole world against us.”  Levi added lamely.  “Then again, you’ve always been good at beating the odds.”  

Erwin smiled then, humility and sadness crossing his features.  “I suppose that’s true.”  He gingerly touched his healing abdomen, flinching ever so slightly as he touched a sore point.  “Levi… what will you do?”

He was taken aback by the question.  “I… I want to stay with you.”   
  
Erwin took a sip of tea slowly and carefully, presumably not wanting to upset his stomach.  “It’s alright, Levi.  I don’t want you to waste your life here.”  His voice was kind and gentle, his eyes were distant.  

There was a terrible implication beneath Erwin’s words; that his own life would be a waste.  That there was no future for him, no happiness, no value.  “It’s not a waste.”  Levi said immediately, but Erwin gently touched his hand to stop him.

“It’s a waste of your talents and your abilities.  You’re a combat genius, Levi.  They’ll need you at the front when we go to war.”    
  
Levi had never really disobeyed Erwin before, but he was certainly considering it now.  “Erwin.”  He said tersely.  “It’s my fault you’re like this.  I want to help you.  I want to be with you.”  

“Levi…” Erwin’s eyes were so warm, and he put his hand on top of Levi’s.  “You put so much on yourself.  It’s not your fault I got wounded.  It’s not your fault the beast titan threw rocks at us.  You saved my life, Levi.  You let me see the truth for myself, you helped me make my dreams come true.  Even in the worst moments, I never blamed you.  I’m grateful for this gift that you’ve given me, and I don’t intend to squander it.”   
  
Levi turned his hand over and squeezed Erwin’s fingers.  It was perhaps the most intimate thing they had done together, and he hoped it read loud and clear.    
  
Erwin smiled, and delicately threaded his fingers with Levi’s.  “Do you remember when we first met?  How I said we’d save humanity together?”

Levi nodded, his heart racing.  

“I still want that, Levi.  And I know you can help make that happen, but not if you’re stuck here looking after me.  I’ll be alright.”  To prove the point, he shakily stood up on his own two feet and slowly, carefully, painstakingly hobbled to the nice plush bed and sat down.  It wasn’t much, but it was a start.  “Levi… come here, please.”  
  
Levi obliged, approaching the bed with uncertainty.    
  
Erwin lay down and gestured for Levi to join him.  Of course Levi did, and he cuddled up to Erwin’s side, trying his best not to upset his healing muscles or skin.  “Erwin… I don’t want to leave.”  He squeezed his eyes shut and cursed himself for getting emotional.  

“I know.”  He said gently.  “And I won’t make you.  I won’t judge you for following your heart.”  Erwin’s smooth fingers were stroking his muscles, and he leaned into the sensation.    
  
Levi imagined foreign invaders arriving on their island… maybe with flying machines, maybe with titans, he imagined them destroying the barracks, imagined Erwin getting crushed to death inside.  This war wasn’t over, their fight was only just beginning.  Erwin was right, Levi could do so much more if he fought than if he allowed himself respite.  “No, Erwin.  You’re right.  They’ll need me in the battle.  I’ll do it.”  
  
Erwin’s smile was sad and distant.  Levi wondered if he would miss being in the fray.  “I… I’ll be here waiting for you when you get back, Levi.  I know you’ll survive.  I know you’ll come back to me.”  

“Okay.”  He promised.  Because Erwin was always right about this sort of thing.  

They didn’t get naked, they didn’t have sex, they didn’t do anything except hold each other that night.  Levi doubted Erwin would have sex in a meaningful way ever again, but it didn’t matter.  He pressed his ear against Erwin’s chest and greedily absorbed the steady sound of his heart beating.    
  
“I’ll come back.”  Levi promised.  “When this is all over, I’ll come back.  I’ll bring you more of those photographs, new inventions, maybe a medicine for your body I— I’ll help finish what you started.”  He kissed Erwin’s neck and breathed him in.  “Erwin… I…”

“I know, Levi.  Me too.”  His voice was a soft rumble, and Levi arched his neck up so they could kiss.  

Levi burned the moment into his mind, a soft safe place for him to remember in the coming months and years of conflict ahead of him.  Erwin was alive, he was waiting, and he’d be there when Levi came back.  That beautiful bright smile would keep him going, give him a reason to keep fighting… he would return to those open arms and find peace.  

Levi would fight until his body could take it no longer, and Erwin would wait for him.  And one day, he hoped, the world wouldn’t need them the way it did now.  They would hang up their swords and find somewhere peaceful to rest.  


End file.
